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July 24, 2012 / Bika

Procrastination, my old friend

9:01 Throw chiming smartphone on floor. Go back to sleep.

9:16 Goddam phone make noise again. Why! Bladder grown to size of pumpkin. Go back to sleep.

9:31 Ow ow ow my kidneys WHY PHONE NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP

9:31:02 Throw phone across room.

9:32 Zombie walk to bathroom.

9:33 Zombie walk to coffee pot.

9:38 Think about essay due tomorrow.

9:38:15 OH MY GOD what a beautiful day it is outside

9:39 Consider going out to work on yard.

9:39:01 Stare at small wizard screen instead. Ha ha look at the colors! Love magic wizard screen.


12:43 FOOD NOW. Hey, is that a piece of pie? Whose pie is this? Can I eat it? Too late, it is eated.

12:46 Organize shoes.

12:47 BORED

12:48 Buy new video game. Install complete in: 4634w73 hours. W? *brain explodes*

12:49 Pour brains back into head through ear hole.

12:50 Check Twitter.

12:51 Complain about something on Twitter.

12:52 Discover own boring-ness. Vow to stop tweeting lest followers die of boredom. Boring, yes; murderer, no.

12:53 Tweet about being boring. Universe threatens to staple mouth shut/fingers together in retaliation; agree to just shut up about it already. Universe withdraws threat.

12:54 Ingest fourteenth cup of coffee. Use resulting vibrations to wash and wax car in six seconds.

12:59 Hey, that essay is still due tomorrow.

12:59:08 Check bank balance.

1:00 Check bank balance again.

1:01 Check Paypal balance.

1:02 Check credit card balance.

1:03 Run outside, vomit in bushes.

1:27 Install complete in: 26z54 hours. Convinced install timer is running backwards. Throw pencils at passers-by.

1:31 Contemplate meaning of life.

1:32 Eat cheese.

2:15 Cheese nap.


4:38 Yell at the nice(?) phone survey man.

4:43 Trip over bedroom rug, barely make it to bathroom.

4:47 Coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee

4:52 Essay? What essay? OH THAT ESSAY.

4:53 Hello again, magic wizard screen! Install complete in: 15b2 hours, you say? Fuck you too!

4:55 Why yes, I will have a gin and tonic with dinner.

5:49 Ekshcuse me, shir, have you sheen my pantsh?

10:31 Wake up on couch. Notice drool stain. Try to remember something important, but can’t quite put finger on it…

10:34 Check oven, check iron, check washing machine. No dice.

10:39 Brush teeth. Floss. Fluoride rinse. OH FUCK, ESSAY DUE TOMORROW. Fluoride spit-take.

10:35 Sprint to computer, type like madman for 4 hours straight.

2:35 Complete essay in disturbing state of sobriety. Fall asleep on keyboard while waiting for printer.


9:09 Finally find mysterious chiming phone device.

9:10 Smash smartphone into million pieces.

9:11 Go back to sleep until time for class.

10:19 Realize at school parking lot that essay is still in printing tray…at home.

[This story is based on events. In certain cases incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for drunken purposes. Certain students may have written this blog post as an excuse to put off an essay due four hours from now.]


Leave a Comment
  1. Verdus / Jul 24 2012 12:20 pm

    Hahahaha! XD Your brain is a national treasure, Bika. A national treasure. XD

    • Bika / Jul 24 2012 12:27 pm

      Regardless of whether that is true, I imagine the jar containing my liquefied brains will be a hard sell to the various national museums.

  2. Claire / Jul 24 2012 7:30 pm


    • Bika / Jul 24 2012 7:59 pm

      Shiny wizard screen make Bika happy! *stomp stomp*

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